


Monumental Incident

by lost_spook



Category: Doctor Who (1963)
Genre: F/M, Polly is awesome, Random Pairing Generator, Women Being Awesome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-29
Updated: 2011-04-29
Packaged: 2017-10-18 19:15:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/192305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lost_spook/pseuds/lost_spook
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Polly meets a very odd policeman and Andred has an early lesson on how to treat alien females.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Monumental Incident

**Author's Note:**

> Written for a Random Pairing prompt: Polly / Andred / hate

“Important business,” Commander Kelner had said setting off (the small one, with the big ambitions). “Highly sensitive matter of vital importance to the High Council. This way, Captain.”

Andred had followed and later watched the Commander land the time capsule with some precision, arriving, he said, with some satisfaction, only half an hour and half a mile outside the specified target. He had brought appropriate clothing for the planet and period, which they were now wearing and he stepped outside the capsule, a smile on his face.

Andred, however, had some concerns.

“Sir,” he ventured. “You don’t think the appearance of the capsule could be considered conspicuous?”

Kelner frowned back at the ship, which had assumed the appearance of a tall, thin monument, identical to that next to it along the riverside. “What are you talking about? It’s blended into its background – chameleon circuit working perfectly. Look, there’s another – obviously the things are common in these parts.”

“It’s some sort of monument or memorial,” continued Andred, who couldn’t see any others anywhere else. “Don’t you think the aliens might notice that there are two?”

The commander waved a hand. “Oh, a backwards, uncivilised, uncouth lot, barely any intelligence to speak of. Pre-Space era. Really, Captain, if I’m satisfied with the matter, I’d appreciate it if you’d stop fussing like an elderly Arcalian reaching his final regeneration.”

“Yes, sir.” Andred could hardly argue with his Commander any further, but it seemed to him that the aliens would only need to be capable of counting to two in order to spot something out of the ordinary. It also put him in mind of a lecturer at the academy who had continually talked about the link between a time capsule and its owner. In which case, he felt it said much about Kelner that his had materialised in the shape of something ostentatious and, he now realised, slightly bigger than the original. “You are sure you don’t want me to come with you, sir?”

“Absolutely not, Andred. This is delicate, _secret_ council business. If I want you, I shall summon you. Otherwise, stay here and keep and eye on the ship and don’t attract any attention.”

Andred looked around him. They were standing on a river bank, lined either side with distinctive buildings, although with no satisfactory consensus as to period and style and one or two ugly efforts that marred the view. He wondered whether this was a deliberate attempt to enhance the attractiveness of their neighbours or the aliens felt each style had its appeal. It was very unlike the Capitol, but it had something, he thought. An energy, perhaps. “This place – where is it? It’s all so – I can’t quite put my finger on it.”

“I believe it’s called London,” said Kelner with emphasis on both alien syllables. “Crude, I know. However, our visit will be short – I shall be no longer than an hour at the most.”

He frowned. “Are you meeting one of the aliens?”

“Don’t ask stupid questions, Captain. Of course not. However, these sorts of places can be convenient locations for certain private transactions. Now, stay there and whatever you do, don’t get involved.”

“No, sir,” Andred said and watched him walk along the long path by the river. He did seem to be right about the clothing – his dark, oddly undramatic suit and rounded hat, along with the pointed stick (whatever it was called) were matched by every other alien here.

Andred felt less sure about his own costume. Kelner had assured him that this was the uniform of the nearest equivalent to the guards on Sol 3. (He had added that, here, superior guards wore civilian clothing and, besides, he was on an important, secret mission). He surveyed his navy outfit, lacking any of the colour of the Capitol guards’ uniform and tugged at the uncomfortable strap under his chin and wondered why it was that life, no matter where he was, seemed intent on handing out ridiculous helmets. Dressed like this and standing in front of an obvious duplicate monument, he felt entirely conspicuous and stupid.

He sighed and fantasised about Kelner getting eaten by a roaming river monster. He’d heard they had them here – all teeth and scales, lying silently in wait for the unwary on the banks.

Somehow, he suspected ruefully, not in a city like this.

*

Initially, most of the aliens had seemed to be in too much of hurry to stop, but now the numbers who passed by, staring, or simply stopping to gape were increasing. He kept his gaze fixed ahead of him, and tried with every inch of him to look as if he ought to be here.

“Oh, thank goodness!”

He turned as a female of the species – a tall, blonde alien with dark eyes and a shorter skirt than had ever been seen on Gallifrey – came running towards him. “Do hurry, constable!”

Andred paused. “I’m sorry, madam, but I have a duty to remain on guard here.”

“Here?” she said and wrinkled her nose, blinking briefly at the sight of the second monument. “Oh, but you don’t understand – there were these thieves and a poor old lady. Luckily they ran when they saw me coming, but I’m dreadfully afraid they might come back. But hurry –we must be quick. The poor thing’s simply shaking -.”

He coughed. “I’m sorry, madam, but I really can’t leave my post.”

“Oh!” she gasped, contempt and fury flashing in her dark eyes. “Even though I’ve told you about the old lady?”

He swallowed under the force of her anger. “I – er – yes, madam.”

“Well, at least go and call for help,” she said. “I don’t know, ask a policeman indeed!”

Andred was feeling lost. “I beg your pardon?”

“So you should! Telephone for an ambulance and I shall go back and if the thieves return and murder us both, I hope you’re sorry!”

He tried to decide which question to ask first. “Are they likely to do so?”

“Well, you never know,” said the girl. “Oh, constable, please come and help. She was bleeding, you know, and she looked _terribly_ frail-.”

He took a deep breath. It should, after all, be a good while before Kelner returned and the alien would probably report him for neglecting his duty at this rate. And, yes, there were rules about interference, but if he hadn’t been here, this female would have found someone else to help her, that much was clear. He would merely be putting things into line with how they would otherwise have been.

Besides, the size the time capsule was, it wasn’t as if anyone could run off with it and not be noticed.

“Very well, madam,” he said.

She grabbed his arm and dragged him back towards the road, which had interestingly primitive and inefficient means of transport moving up and down it at what seemed an unexpectedly fast speed now that he came nearer.

“I’m Polly,” she said. “Do stop calling me madam. It sounds silly.”

“Right, Polly,” he said, and then she led him across the road, walking across it in front of cars in what seemed to be a suicidal fashion. They all stopped and he noted belatedly a different pattern on the dark surface of the road.

She hurried on down another wide road, then turning into a side street, much quieter than the rest and pointed. “There. Now, please, stay with her – she can tell you all about those awful men so you can arrest them – and I shall run for an ambulance.”

Andred moved down the street towards where an elderly female was sitting on the pavement, bruised and with blood on the side of her face. She was clutching a small dark bag as if her life depended on it.

She looked up as he arrived, instantly relieved. “Oh, constable, thank goodness you’re here.”

“Are you all right, madam?” he asked, crouching down as he reached her.

She drew in a trembling breath. “I’ll be better once you’ve got that nasty pair of good-for-nothings. It’s come to a fine thing when the streets aren’t safe in broad daylight. Something ought to be done about it. I’ll be writing to your man in charge – he ought to put a stop to it.”

 _Ah_ , thought Andred. Kelner had got that much right. This sounded a familiar refrain. _One of the control panels in the Capitol has been damaged – in the main corridor, no less – and where were the guards, Captain? Clearly this was an act of wilful sabotage and the perpetrators must be found at once!_ (Kelner himself was fond of insisting that there were troublesome ‘lower elements’ that needed to be weeded out, but this no doubt had to do with keeping order in such a law-abiding place. He had to find something to keep him busy and important.)

“We shall do our very best, madam,” he promised. “Quite right.”

She sniffed. “They should bring back hanging for the likes of them.”

“Yes,” he said, since agreement seemed to the best policy. He had no idea what she meant by that, but it sounded vindictive. _Poor frail, old lady_ , he thought indignantly. Polly had been economical with the truth. Still, she was injured and frightened and he’d seen that sort of reaction before in these incidents. “Do you have a name, madam?”

“Mrs Pugh,” she told him. “And if my poor Reg were here, he’d have been after that pair and given them a hiding they wouldn’t have forgotten in a hurry. Turning in his grave, he’ll be after the nerve they had, hitting a defenceless woman like that.”

Andred raised his eyebrows, but decided not to ask whether the unfortunate ‘Reg’ had been buried alive or if this was common feature among alien corpses. “Well, Mrs Pugh, help will be on the way soon. That – Polly – has gone to find you an ambulance.”

“Yes, she seemed a good girl,” Mrs Pugh said, softening a little. She was still shaking, he noted. “Not like most of the young people these days. No time for their elders and betters, running around in skirts that are hardly decent – up to their ears some of them.”

He nodded solemnly. “Terrible.” She put it mind of some ancient Time Lords he had encountered. He’d heard one of them complaining that the current Chancellor was a mere whippersnapper of 500. “And how old are you, Mrs Pugh?”

“Hmph,” she said, with a sharp look at him, “that’s not a polite question to go asking a lady.”

He took this in. “I see. My apologies, madam. Still, I can assure you, you don’t look a day over one hundred.”

*

“Oh, you managed to make yourself useful, then,” said Polly, returning at last. “I popped into one of the hotels and explained and they let me use their telephone. The ambulance will be here soon.”

“Did you hear that, Mrs Pugh?” he asked the elderly female.

She only sniffed again.

“She doesn’t like me much,” he explained in an undertone.

Polly shook her head. “Well, I can see that. And after your heartless behaviour earlier, I’m only amazed you bothered to stay until I came back.”

“I did explain that I had orders,” he said stiffly.

At that point, he heard what sounded like a siren coming nearer and in moments later, the ambulance had pulled up. Even Andred could understand that was what it was, as it was helpfully labelled.

*

He paused. “So that’s an ambulance,” he said, as it drove Mrs Pugh away, leaving them behind. “I see. And the telephone would be the means by which you summoned it. So, what is a policeman?”

Polly’s eyes widened, a startling effect with her dark, painted lashes. “Well, clearly _you’re_ not one!”

“Ah,” he said again. It would have been helpful if Commander Kelner had explained that. “No.”

She narrowed her eyes. “Well? Is it some sort of rag day thing?”

“I’m not at liberty to say, madam.”

Polly said, “If you’re going to start claiming to be a secret agent, I shan’t believe you. You couldn’t possibly be one.”

“I might be something of the sort.” He headed back towards the river, worried that the Commander might have got there before him.

She followed. “Oh, no, you don’t! I think I deserve an explanation. After all, there you were standing beside a replica Cleopatra’s Needle, dressed as a policeman, misleading innocent passers-by who wanted a real one and if you don’t explain, it’ll be my duty to go and find a genuine PC.”

*

She was still with him when he returned to the time capsule, finding, as he had feared, that Kelner was standing beside it, looking around with a scowl on his face and a considerable crowd had gathered, though he tried uselessly to shoo the nearest people away.

“Oh dear,” said Polly for him. “Who is that little man?”

He turned. “That’s the Commander.”

“I told you, I don’t believe there’s anything official about any of this,” she told him. Then she looked again. “Hadn’t you better do something to help him?”

He opened his mouth and then looked at her. “Do what?”

“Oh, for heaven’s sake,” said Polly. “You’re dressed as a policeman! Tell them to go away – tell them this is all for a film or something.”

He paused. “Say that again.”

“Oh, _really_ ,” said Polly, but she told him what to say.

*

Andred took a deep breath and strode purposefully into the growing crowd of aliens. He didn’t have the confidence Polly seemed to have in the uniform he was wearing, but knew better than to let that show. The way that the people nearest to him moved aside as he arrived helped and that reaction spread through the group, causing a brief lull in the noise. He headed through to the capsule, keeping carefully to Polly’s script.

“What’s all this, then?” he asked.

As someone pointed to the two Needles and another shouted out a question he didn’t quite catch, he saw Kelner’s eyes light on him.

He spoke hastily, before his Commander could ruin everything. “That thing? That’s just a prop, sir, as I expect you guessed. They were filming here early this morning, but they’ve finished up now and Mr Kelner here is the producer – he’s going to see to taking it down. Now, if you could all move along, please -.”

Gradually, most of them dispersed, barring a few who remained, pointing little metal boxes at the capsule and its companion Needle, but these didn’t seem to fire anything worse than flashes of light. Two alien females even younger than Polly also remained, edging nearer.

“Which film?” one of them asked. “Who was in it?”

Andred stuck to his instructions. “I don’t know, but they’ve gone now – just a bit of tidying up to do.”

The other saw Polly. Shyly, she asked, “Are you an actress?”

Polly laughed and then winked at the girl. “I _could_ be,” she told her and signed a grubby bit of paper for them both.

*

Kelner appeared ready to explode. “Captain! What is the meaning of all this? Where were you when all these _aliens_ were attacking the ship?” Then he caught sight of Polly, and moved back again. “Who’s that?”

“Well,” said Polly, with a flick of her long blonde hair, “I must say, being a heroine is terribly exhausting. Are you all right, sir? None of them tried to hurt you, did they?”

She looked to the Commander with an innate kindness that he showed no appreciation of whatsoever.

“Yes, fine, thank you,” he said, moving right back to the time capsule, with a hissed instruction to, “ _Get rid of her_!”

Andred ignored that, turning to face Polly so that he could pretend he hadn’t heard. “Thank you.”

Polly gave a well-satisfied smile. “Yes, well, in return, I want to know what sort of secret agent can possibly stand around on the Embankment with two Cleopatra’s Needles, speak English and yet not have any idea what a telephone or an ambulance or even a policeman is. The only thing I can think of is that you must have dropped by from another planet.”

He swallowed. Uncivilised, backwards, had Kelner said? He certainly hadn’t got that right. “How did you know?”

“That’s not what you’re supposed to say,” she returned, stepping back in shock. “You’re really from another planet – an _alien_?”

He coloured. _Ah_. “Er. No. That was obviously a joke.”

“You _are_ ,” she said. “It really is the only explanation – although I don’t understand how you speak English if you don’t know what any of the words mean.”

He said, “We have translators of a sort.”

“Are you invading?” she queried, looking amused again already. “Because if you are, I think I should tell you that it’s a big planet and we have weapons, you know. You’ll need more than two of you.”

He shook his head. “No. We’re only visiting. We’re not even supposed to interfere – certainly no invading.”

“And is that your normal shape?”

Andred glanced downwards to check. “Yes. Why, can you change yours?”

“Not by and large,” said Polly. She grinned at him. “You know, that really _does_ explain everything, so I forgive you. Is this your first visit?”

“It is.”

“I thought it must be. Mind you, I thought aliens were supposed to be terribly advanced and clever, but you don’t seem to know anything at all.”

He bristled a little at that. “Your customs are strange to me. Our technology is a good deal more advanced, but it’s different to this.”

“Well,” she said, “you must tell these awfully advanced people of yours that, despite the way some of us carry on, the rest of us are friendly.” She kissed him on the cheek. “There. Greetings from Planet Earth.”

Andred was sure he could hear the Commander choking somewhere behind him. He found the whole situation somewhat alarming himself, but he was not prepared to make any more cultural errors. “And I assure you once again that we mean no harm,” he said, and returned the gesture. “Greetings from Gallifrey.”

“You come in peace,” said Polly, who sounded as if she was laughing, although he had no idea why that should be amusing.

He nodded. “Thank you for your help, Polly.”

“Well, I’d say the same if you hadn’t been so slow to offer it,” she retorted, but she smiled and he didn’t need a guidebook to explain that she was not renewing hostilities.

*

Kelner watched him warily as he entered the console room, twitching slightly and edging away as he walked nearer. “Stay over there, Captain. Don’t touch anything. We’ll need to put you into a decontamination chamber the moment we return to the Capitol. Touching an alien! What were you thinking? That’s disgusting.”

“It won’t happen again,” he said, side-stepping an apology.

The commander glared. “It had better not!”


End file.
